Parenting – Traditional or Modern – which method is best when bringing up your offspring? It is an age old argument amongst different generations that their methods are best. Despite having 5 children of my own, who are currently aged 24 down to the youngest at just 8; each birth was accompanied by different sets of recommendations. Take weaning for example: with my eldest it was recommended to start weaning at 3 months …. by the time my youngest was born it was frowned upon any earlier than 6 months! My personal opinion is to find a happy medium between the two styles that you and your offspring feel comfortable with ….and that’s why I was so excited to chat to this week’s guest on my blog, Liat Hughes Joshi, author of “New Old Fashioned Parenting” – a guide to help you find that balance between traditional and modern parenting. A big warm welcome, Liat….
Hi! I’m a writer and journalist from London but originally from Lancashire. I specialise in writing about parenting and family life, with clients including national newspapers, parenting magazines and websites. I’ve also popped up on TV and the radio providing comments about parenting matters.
Your 3rd book on parenting, published on 12th February 2015, is the “New Old-Fashioned Parenting” – a guide to help parents find the balance between traditional and modern parenting.What inspired you to write this guide?
There were a few incidents that particularly crystallised my thoughts on just how very child-centred and over-indulgent SOME parents can be these days and the contrast with when most of today’s parents were kids in the 70s to early 90s. One time, I was in a coffee shop waiting to come out and two toddlers were playing by the door in the way. I waited patiently, not wanting to spoil their fun too soon, but then waited and waited some more. It was very obvious I wanted to leave and they were blocking my way. The parents were right next to them and definitely saw me but didn’t say “guys move out of the way for the lady” or similar. They carried on and on and there was just none of the consideration for others that surely should be there. A few days later, I was in a busy train station and whilst the children I was with were sat down happily, those from the adjacent table’s group were hurtling round getting in everyone’s way. Again, the adults they were with made no effort to get them to stop. When did we end up with such low expectations of kids’ behaviour? They can still have lots of fun but be considerate when needs be.
It works on two levels, I hope. On one, more general level it’s about taking a step back and asking ourselves what’s really best for our children. Parents are bombarded with all sorts of messages about how to bring their children up nowadays and I think we’ve lost sight of the fact that more than anything we’re here to prepare them to be happy, well-functioning adults. Of course we want them to be happy along the way too, but sometimes the right thing for the long term doesn’t always make them content now. I’m definitely not suggesting making anyone unhappy for the sake of it just that sometimes as a parent you have to take a hit for the long term and do something they’d rather you didn’t. On a day-to-day basis though, there’s also lots of practical advice on everything from getting them to do more chores to preventing fussy eating, how to get the right level of involvement in their education and looking at issues of screen time and them growing up too fast.That’s the paradoxical side of modern childhood – on the one hand, we’re wrapping them up in cotton wool and not letting them have much freedom, but on the other we’re pushing them academically harder than perhaps ever and they’re growing up faster than we all did too thanks to media and commercial influences. This is one of the dilemmas I hope the book helps parents with.
Having 5 children of my own that span from the ages of 8 to 24 (!) I have encountered many idea changes on parenting. You have, like me, a 9 year old son – what parenting issue(s) do you find most frustrating when it comes to conflicting advice?
Wow you must be busy.. I’m one of four in my family and it was pretty hectic, although the age gap wasn’t so wide. I think all the child health advice is probably the most confusing because it changes all the time and then you just end up feeling guilty about something you’ve done/ fed them.
You have written other parenting books – “Raising Children – The Primary Years” and “What to Buy For Your Baby” – as well as being columnist & feature writer for AOL’s parenting website (www.parentdish.co.uk). Have you always wanted to have a career in writing?
I did always love writing and it was something I wanted to do as a child but there were other ideas too. I wanted to be an interior designer at one stage and a lawyer at another. I’m also very interested in business so spent nine year as a management consultant before finally giving in to the urge to write in 2002.
You’re also a judge in the Annual Slow Toy Awards, launched at Selfridges in 2012, Harrods in 2013 and John Lewis in 2014. What toy(s) have you personally been most impressed with over the last 3 years?
This year’s big find from Slow Toys for me was this cool magnetic wooden block toy called Tegu. It’s been a pleasure to be part of it. It’s been interesting to see the awards evolve since 2012 and the entries and shortlist have got so strong – there were some brilliant toys entered this year. Outside of Slow Toys, LEGO is timeless and never fails to impress – I’m often going on about it but it’s the basic piles of bricks and people I’m into rather than prescribed models as they tend to get made and then what does a child do with them? They might play with them a bit or rebuild them once or twice but it’s much less imaginative.
It’s very simply 101 ideas to get children of all ages away from screens more. There are other kids’ activity books out there but this has the digital generation in mind and toddlers to teens, whereas most of the existing ones focus on the younger end. I’ve tried to have something to suit all kids in there too as a lot of the book’s competitors have a focus on arty and crafty activities. I have a deeply un-arty son myself so know it’s not everyone’s thing. Overall I don’t think we should fight screens altogether though as they can be brilliant in lots of ways and are part of our lives now – these are just ideas to get them away more rather than something preachy about getting them to give up gadgets altogether. It’s about sensible use rather than panicking that it’s all bad.
What sort of book genre do you like reading? Favourite books or authors?
My Kindle is loaded with contemporary fiction (I was really anti- e-readers at first but absolutely love it now). A favourite read of recent years was The Hundred-Year Old Man who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson. Utterly charming and very funny and I kept buying copies for people I know. (That’s one of my favourite books too, Liat)
What was the best piece of parenting advice you ever received? And dare I say it, the worst (in respect that you followed the advice but it didn’t work out as you hoped)?
It’s a Mumsnet thing: “this too shall pass”. As in most of the stuff we stress about when they are babies and toddlers will be a short-lived problem. And believe me I did do lots of stressing when my son was a baby (why thank you colic!) The worst was simply the ‘thou shalt breastfeed no matter what’ pressure when my son was born. Of course evidence shows that it’s better wherever possible but that pressure can go too far and make you feel guilty about something that circumstances, health and the like sometimes get in the way of no matter how much you want it to work out.
A little bird told me that you are passionate about tennis – have you ever been tempted to write about tennis or do you play purely to rewind?
I don’t really understand enough about the professional game to write about the circuit and pros – I prefer to just play – but I have done a few features about tennis holidays/ resorts and used to edit the travel pages of a tennis magazine. It was not exactly hard work doing the testing of all these amazing resorts! A dream job for me in fact.
I am stuck in a fashion rut and this has got worse since we got a puppy this last year.. I throw on skinny jeans, a longish top and then boots before dashing down to let him out in the morning and it all needs to be suitable for walking the dog (I.e. getting covered in mud). I’m still determined not to be become a ‘frumpy dog lady’ so am trying to keep a vague element of style to it all with a bit of luxe knitwear and nice scarves at the moment. I work at home so 95% of wardrobe contents are casual but if I venture into town for a meeting, my ‘lift any outfit’ (within reason – it doesn’t magically wipe off muddy paw prints) is my Coach Borough bag which my husband kindly and generously bought me for my 40th.
Do you have any favourite shops or online sites ?
I’m pretty boring – high street stores such as Gap and John Lewis (especially John Lewis, I do love it) do me fine. If I won the lottery (which would be especially lucky given I don’t actually bother playing it), I might head to Paul Smith or Nicole Fahri more but really I’m happy with high street so wouldn’t change that.
What’s next on your clothes/shoe wish list?
Things that get me out of this jeans/ long tops rut. I’ve got a personal styling session booked with a fashion writer colleague turned stylist called Jo Payton soon and I’m hoping she will push my boundaries! And I so need a new pair of specs. They are kind of a trademark of mine but I have had these ones too long.
Boots or Shoes?
Wellington boots for the dog walking. Otherwise heels but ones I can walk in easily as I am short so need a height boost.
Links you would like to share e.g. website/facebook/twitter etc so that readers of the blog can learn more about you and your books.
My website is liathughesjoshi.co.uk and I’m on Twitter at @liathughesjoshi.
The books should be hitting bookshops with savvy buyers soon and are available on Amazon and Waterstones websites for pre-order before publication:
It has been smashing chatting to you Liat and I wish you much success with your books. So, dear readers, what aspects of parenting or parenting ideas do you find bemusing?! Do share your views, I’ll love to know…
All photos have been published with kind permission of Liat Hughes Joshi